Givin' 'Em the Bizness: Reasons Why I Will Never Attend a BYU v. UofU Game at Lice Freckles

The integrity of my fan-ness was recently questioned because I "didn't have the guts" to attend the BYU v. UofU game in person.

Say what?!

I will never attend a BYU v. UofU game at Rice Eccles in person, not out of lack of fanhood, but for these reasons:

1. The frequency with which my ears will be assaulted by car horns blaring the "Godfather" theme as I pass through the tailgaters on my way to the stadium will make me spontaneously combust.

2. I have not kept to the pirate code laid down by Morgan and Bartholomew...

3. Being affiliated with the BYU side of things, I can actually afford DirecTV.

4. I heard Steve Tate's girlfriend (hold up – boyfriend?!) will be in attendance, leaving a minority portion of room for the rest of us.

5. I can't see the field for the plethora of these:

6. With the "fleshy tables" of her triceps insistently flapping, my primary chorister taught me to "hold to the rod, the iron rod."